Uncertainty

Learning by trying its hard to deny it
while paying for what I used to know
Dreams are deceiving untill Im achieving
the goals I havent set too low

Waiting for a new day
to wipe away the Uncertainty
that flows around me
once again to stay

So many choices but so few answers
my time slips away while thinking too much
Whom to believe in theyre all just repeating
the same old lies so nice to clutch

Waiting for a new day
to wipe away the Uncertainty
that flows around me
once again to stay

-Stratovarius

Lonely surviver

Mysteriously human mind -impossible to understand it.
Feeling lonely and need someone close to you
-as long as your alone.
When there is the one, the warm, the human,
the human who loves you,
you'll retreated,
full of fear.
There might be threat.
You have to protect your territory.
Pull everyone else away, curl up into your own refuge.
You see the shine but you live middle of the deep darkness.
It's not a problem darling, you'll survive.
You don't need enyone for that.
You know you're strong.
Your strenght,
your power and endless energy
are inside of you. You can't use it with love.
With human. With those greedy vampire who will sip you empty.
You need to let them go. You need to trust yourself.
Alone you're the strongest.
Alone you'll survive.
Otherwise...

one fact of my life

"Civilization can be reduced to the following: 'I need a hug. Go away.' Unable to solve this conundrum, and having nothing better to do in the meantime, we build cathedrals and drink heavily."
-Tom Price

Rainy spring

It is gray out there.
Rainy day after rainy day.
The Nature are waiking, slowly but certainly.
Like every year.
-now it seems to come earlier.
On may -before the Eurovision Music competition- we might have a green city full of flovers whitch would be better than nice! I don't know what I should think about that coming week...when whole city is full of tourists and Media persons etc. Nice if I can meet some new people but awful to try live your normal life in that chaos.
-
I miss the sun.
Yesterday was a little bit shiner but now it rain again. It have a big effect into my mind. My eys shine also (and only) same time than the sun...
I try to listen good music which help a little but I need something else into my workroom to get enough energy also for these graydays.
-perhaps some yellow colour picture..?

Something new for each day

Today the new one was Gigi D'Agostino -Listen to his music
I like to found new sounds and new tastes everyday -it keeps me going!
Perhaps that's the reason I like to travel so much and as many new places as possible.
Can you give me a good tips?
-book, poem, exhibition, theather play, orchestra, artist...

Holidays

I'm waiting for my holidays.
Those coming holidays give me energy to stand these ponderous days.
I have plans for next few month...
April; Wedings of my old friends...another side of finland -Ilomantsi
May; 3 days trip (mostly work but still a trip) to Turku
June; 3 days trip to Vilnius with workmates
July; 1 week Yoga holiday in Laulasmaa spa in Estonia
August; 2 week trip to Sziget-festival by bus via Cracow

I've noticed I need something to wait
anotherwise I feel myself borned and life seems to be insignificant.
But thank's to holidays - thank's to friends and partys - there is some meening also in my life!

Spring

Spring is here
-finally it's here.
Warm sunshine
-I've waiting for you
during the long gray winter I spend in Hospital
Spring is here
-I enjoy the warmth
Love to walk outside and listen the birds
Love to walk and see the flowers
Love to go and play with dog
Love to stay and paly a golf
Love the feeling
-spring gives to me;
the Love

My needs

I need some change - they made me a hair cut
I need some more - I feel nothings enough
Too many options - all those 10 million possibilities
- How can I make my choice?
- How I can know what is the right one? Which of those will satisfy me?
I' fear I'll never be contented.
What a pity

Youth of my Grandparents

Sometimes I wonder which kind of life was then...before.
Music, storys and movies are my memories. Don't know how realistic but don't we all make the memories of us by ourself -looking like us or our experience...
The real Nostalgy - something which I and my generation can only imagine - is in the music
My favourite club have a roots...somewhere...maybe in this; FEVER
check out also the other Grammas Swinging' Oldies!

Therapy and it's several alternatives...

I should start to do some choices about the long term therapy which we had planned for my future. As a matter of fact my therapist will quit her job on June and it would be nice to know how I will continue after that…

There is so many choices in that field and I have no Idea witch working method would be best for me. Art-therapy has been one of my possibilities but also same kind of working method what I use at the moment with Mari -I suppose it is Psychodynamic Trauma therapy or something like that…

What difference is with cognitive therapy and psycho therapy?
How can I find the right therapy method just for me?
And after that -How can I find therapist whit whom I speak whit same language and whom I can trust enough?
Do I benefit anything even I'd spend few years for expensive and intensive therapy?

I think everyone have some problems and feel themselves a little dubiety someday but still it is only a faction of people who sit on sofa of therapist twice a week and had to process those problems. So, Why I should? -and the other hand- Why Not?

Idols -soon it's over

Finninsh Idols show is in progress -the final competition is on Friday and I'm going to watch that with my friend. Don't ask about my opinion. I don't have. Both are young. There's as much good as not_so_good side in both of the competitor. I like Anna especially when she sing Latin music (her father is Portuguese) and I like Ari's self-confidence and perseverance but I don't think he can adduce it on right way. What a pity.

But here they are

And after few days

the wise finnish folks

have chosen

another of them

for a winner!

Even I'd always said this is bad format etc. I still had to watch it every week and now when it will end I noticed that I don't know what to do on thursday evenings at 8'clock -I don't know what to do on thusday evenings at all 'cause they also stoped to shown my favourite serie Hause.

ThankGod it will be summer and I don't even wan't sit inside and watch TV...

After work...

I swim and enjoy. It feels always so good but today it was somehow easier and nicer than before. I didn't had much time 'cause I was so long in office (and I had hurry to home watching final of American Top Model) but I swim 550meter quite fast and sit in warm sauna after that...

And the best girl win! Congratulations Nicole! (I supposed the competition has been already half year ago...but in finlad we are always a little bit late...)

What is right and what is wrong?

If it feel good and we both are happy am I allowed to be with a man even I'm not totally sure can it follows anywhere? I like to be alone quite much -maybe that's the problem- but not allways. I quess everyone need closer contact with an other person, everyone like feel to be loved. Is there something wrong in that?
I'm not even sure do I know what love is...do you know?
I'm not sure eighter do I know what I want for my life...

There are so many posibilities to come happy but also so many to draw a blank...how can I make the right choice?

How to live environmentaly-friendly?

Air Pollution is bigger and bigger problem but people don't really Care about it! It makes me angry. You can read it everyday from the newspaper or listen from the news but nothing really happend. Citizens attitudes hasen't change a much. You drive everywhere with own car, as big as possible, you bought a moped for your kids as soon they are allowed to drive it. You have motorboat and skidoo -just for a fun! (who things it's really fun?) Flying is much cheaper than railway tickets. It's too difficault or too expensive to recycle waste -nothing matter for this poor little globe...

I try to live ecologically but I can't be contented for myself. I know I could do so much more! And if I'm angry because of the others habits and attitude I have to amend my own manner...

• I already use public transport as much as possible (in shorter distance I use my legs, of course)
• I recycle my waste; biowaste, paper, cardboard, batteries, glass, hazardous waste...
• I recycle my clothes and buy some of my staffs from second hand shops
• I buy organic products always when there is possible to chooce
• I like to use small shops and neighbourhood products now when I'm not so poor student anymore
• I close my computer and electric equipments when I don't need those
• I notice how non-ecological it is to fly even I like travelling so much...and I did my decision for this summer; I'm not flying! I can't stay in finland...but I can use bus and boat. OR I can pay for CarbonNeutral to get better conscience if I had to fly
• I bought my electric from company who use windenergy

You can do only small things at the time but whitout those small things: Things won't ever change better! Can you give me more tips to live better?

Wellcome -the new start

It's beginning a new period of my life. Something happend soon (or sooner or later) I can feel it. I was half year in hospital and when I came back to work there has happend quite much. I have new room one floor lower than older one, smaller but nicer. Organization changes effect that I have some new work mates but nearly the same works. And same boss. I'm fine with these. Actually better than fine. When I was in hospital I had awfull stress about coming backt to work... What people thinks about me? How they react and what they'll ask for me? How much they know about my disease? But I worried for nothing. It was nice to came back! Everybody are so friendly here and felt like come back to home. Great!

My life is better aso in my civil life. In home. With my eating disorder. Hospital makes me good again (this was 7th long period in ED hospital and I really hope it was last one!) Now I have therapy two times a week and positive feeling about my future. I'm not a looser. I can survive.

There is a man who say he loves me. Man whit whom it's unbelieveble good to be. Man who would like to built future with me. But I'm a little afreid. Don't now why. I always have this problem. I fear to lose my freedom I quess. So I don't wana hurry. Step by step. Slowly enough.

This blog is also new. I have another blog also but I like start something else. Try something new. And this is english -another one is in finnish. I'm not an artist or good writer. In fact my english isn't good eighter. But I try to improve it. You can help if you want!